Don’t lift heavy.
It’s important that you understand the consequences of lifting heavy.
And trust me there are A LOT of consequences.
1: When you lift heavy you get really strong.
This can be problematic.
Because then you’re capable of doing things like …
Throwing your kids across the room.
Or picking up your 90 lb. dog and treating him/her like a Chihuahua.
Sounds fun … but they start to expect it and won’t stop nagging you about it.
2: When you lift heavy you get beautiful muscles.
It might sound appealing to have toned muscles but you’ve clearly never tried to wear form fitting clothes.
It’s like every clothing designer has completely ignored lat muscles and what quads are supposed to do inside a pair of pants.
Side note: why is it called a “pair of pants?” I understand a pair of socks because there are two of them. But pants? I don’t get it. Things that make you go hmmmm.
Anyway, you should absolutely avoid having an athletic body because wearing clothes without ripping them becomes difficult.
3: Lifting heavy works wonders for your metabolism.
Once again, you may like the sound of that but have you considered the downside?
Having a better metabolism means you have to eat more food to maintain.
And then eating becomes like a full time job.
I mean, sure you get to enjoy more freedom and flexibility without gaining weight but who cares …
Wouldn’t you rather spend that time watching the latest Netflix documentary anyway?
I can’t spend half my day eating delicious food.
4: Lifting heavy boosts your confidence.
Then, all your friends start to notice and will give you a bunch of attention which can be really uncomfortable.
It’s weird to be noticed.
Especially when you see friends that you haven’t seen in a while.
Just be prepared when they compliment you on how fit you look.
Have a nice counter-compliment pre-loaded so you’re not left speechless.
“Thanks! And you have really nice … hair.”
Always be prepared.
5: Lifting heavy improves endurance in the bedroom and sexual satisfaction.
Yes, there are actual studies that support this.
Which sounds cool and all but do you really want your partner to be so satisfied that they’re always wanting more?
When is enough, enough?
The alternative of being too tired and unwanted may be the better option.
With all that amazing sex you’re having, it’ll require you to pay attention to being well hydrated and well fed.
Who has time for that anyway?
6: Lifting heavy will get you a lot of comments at the gym.
Even and especially when you’ve got headphones in and clearly don’t want to be approached.
You have to understand that Gym Bros were never taught social cues so it won’t make a difference how good your resting bitch face is.
“That’s a lot of weight, you need a spot?”
“Damn, you really gonna use those dumbbells?”
“Be careful, don’t want you getting hurt.”
Most of those comments are simply because you’re lifting heavier than Tommy Toughnuts at the gym and he feels threatened.
Just don’t make eye contact.
Anything that can be misconstrued as an “in” should be avoided at all costs.
As you can see, the consequences of lifting heavy are VAST.
Proceed at your own risk.
Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when your kids and dogs become needier, your muscles keep ripping your clothes, you’re constantly eating to keep up with your roaring metabolism, you have to make up random compliments to tell your friends because they won’t stop admiring you, you’re having way too much sex, and you’re constantly swatting away gym bros like flies.
Consider yourself properly warned 😉