When I tell my story, I often share the insecurities I was riddled with at 250 lbs.

The lost identity. The lack of confidence. Not wanting to be seen by anyone for fear of what comments they would make.

As I was looking back at old photos … I found a bunch of pictures of me at my heaviest.

And, ONE single picture of me at my lightest.

The reason: I was even more insecure at 160 than I was at 250.

Not to mention, the 160-me had the worst relationship with food and the worst relationship with my body.

When I was 250, I set this arbitrary goal of wanting to get below 200.

I would reach it. Rebound. Reach it. Rebound. Reach it. Rebound.

Until I decided enough was enough (not in a good way).

Finding my “sweet spot”

I committed to only eating “clean” as a “lifestyle” change.

200, 190, 180, 170, 160 …

It was never good enough.

I would look in the mirror at 160 and pick myself apart (hence, no photos were taken).

Here’s the kicker … I would’ve kept going to 150 but I physically couldn’t get there.

So, what does one do when they’re struggling with orthorexia, body image issues, and trying to hate themselves leaner but their body won’t budge??

They rebel.

At least, that’s what I did.

I’m pretty sure I gained 40 lbs in about 6 months.

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I was also sick of feeling inadequate.

Because of my personality, I became obsessed with education around fitness and nutrition.

It certainly wasn’t all smooth sailing from there.

As recently as last year, I had to get over the mental roadblock of gaining weight.

I can just imagine telling that 160 lb dude that we’re going to be happiest sitting 30 lbs heavier.

Fitness and nutrition are a mindset

One of the biggest mindset shifts I had to make was truly connecting to the intrinsic motivators vs. external validation.

Fitness enhances my life and carries over into everything else that I do.

It shows me constantly that I can challenge myself, do hard things, and grow as a result.

Not everyone needs the vehicle of fitness and nutrition to figure that out (because everyone has their own choice to make).

But, it’s a damn powerful tool.

And, just like any powerful tool, with improper application, it can be damaging AF.

I witnessed and experienced both sides.

Which is why I will forever coach from a top-down approach.

Mindset first. Physical results as a side effect.

It’s what I wish I had back then.

And now I get to pay it forward.